Rien

insomnia

2011-05-17T04:19:00.001-07:00

i woke up this morning at 3:30 am, and i couldn't fall back asleep. i know this sounds like a normal occurrence, but if there is one thing i am not is an insomniac. i plain excel at sleeping.

but there i was. after 30 minutes of of lying there, trying to relax and fall back asleep, listening to the incessant humming sound of the air in the vents, trying to figure out what the different lights were outside my window, and thinking (kiss of death, if you are trying to fall asleep), i got pretty uncomfortable. there is a lot on my mind, no doubt. many things have changed lately, and more are about to change. all of this is good, though - so why the hell am i up when i should be sleeping?!?

i think this change is causing me to reflect (gasp!) on where i am. the last eight years, have been incredibly eventful - graduated from a school i never thought i'd get into with amazing classmates after two years of intense, fun, and sometimes even educational time, moving across the country to an awesome city where i knew almost no one, re-lighting my creative pursuits - one new (acting) and one old (music), getting married, having my sister move close to me for the first time since college, all the while doing incredible things at work - quite successfully, i might add. but taking stock of where i am - while i am incredibly blessed, lucky, fortunate, or whichever term speaks to you about the fact that i have absolutely nothing to complain about and should (and do) thank the universe for all that i have - i'm still a bit more, well, average, than i ever thought i would be. i'm sure i'm whining and under-selling what i have accomplished, but wait...there is more...

to make matters worse, as i started thinking about friends and acquaintances and inevitably and nearly ridiculously comparing my successes to theirs, i started thinking about dreamers. i know that it takes a lot of different things to make a dream come true. luck is not completely out of the equation...but waking up and getting to work also has a lot to do with it. as i laid in bed listening to the heating vent, i thought 'i should get up and do something.' and the most disturbing thought came to mind - i have no idea whatsoever what i would do.

i can get jazzed about a ton of stuff...music, fashion, food, working out (at least for spurts of time), wine, cars, technology, business strategy, art, acting, tennis, photography...the list goes on and on and on. but i feel like i have no 'best of' skill in any of these! and what's worse - i used to be damn good at stuff. where'd all that talent go?

before you dive into an eye-rolling depression, let me say this...i have perspective, but i want more. and i need to figure out how to get it. i know it will take hard work, a little luck, a good attitude, and maybe a little inspiration. let's see what we can do about that...

february 8

2011-02-14T18:06:00.000-08:00

today we bought a house. gulp. i've been pretty responsible with money my entire life. i haven't had to worry too much, so this seems insane. but it's awesome, and i think it's going to be a great purchase. but i am nervous. very nervous. because my husband is out of town, i am spending a little more time in the car commuting...and i'm much more focused on the radio than normal. today, i had this idea. so let's try it out.

red hot chili peppers: under the bridge

the first thing i should say (because it's going to come up again and again) is that i started playing the violin at age 4. my parents took me to the symphony when i was little and thought i would eventually play the piano. that was the plan. so they enrolled me in a class at detroit community music school called 'orff.' per wikipedia: the orff approach, created by carl orff (of carmina burana and also sprach zarathustra fame), combines movement, music, language, and drama into lessons that look like child's play. basically, we used xylophones and tambourines and clapping and singing to learn the basics of music. it was great fun, and it was supposed to provide me with a basic foundation before piano lessons. but everyone in the class had a violin group lesson right after my saturday morning orff class. i was the only one without a violin. showing an early inclination for competition, i could simply not be the only one without. so i talked my parents into enrolling me in violin group class...which i surpassed...and so i got private lessons...and kept on, with lessons, quartets, youth symphonies, bands, school orchestras, pit orchestras, studio recording, score creation, weddings, and on and on...until well, forever. i'm still doing a bunch of these things.

but back to my point. i started violin at age 4, so music has been a part of my life consistently. i don't remember a time before i played music. reading music is not unlike reading words. i just know how to do it. it's defined me...or i've defined it. but it's a part of me. so what does this have to do with red hot chili peppers?

well, this song was all the rage while i was in high school. i'm sure high school is traumatic for all girls. but growing up playing the violin instead of soccer (the two conflicted - my youth orchestra was at the same time as soccer games), having red hair, placing into AP classes, and generally being pretty shy didn't help high school become less of a consistent fear fest. at the height of popularity for under the bridge, i was a junior in high school. and i was just starting to see the light of a time when i might appeal to boys and cease the constant worry i carried around about popularity.

just around this time, we took an orchestra trip with the other high school in my home town. i have to admit that having started years and years before most of the other kids in high school, i was a bit of a rock star in orchestra. it was my one haven of near-coolness. and for the first time, someone i hadn't known forever was enamored. i remember this trip and this guy...derek, maybe? we took a bus out somewhere...stayed overnight...and then came back on a bus. listening to the radio the whole time. i'm sure we played something wonderful somewhere...but i remember the trip and this guy who wanted to talk to me. a lot. he went to the other high school and was older (a senior!).

the vision that comes back when i hear RHCP is a sunny spring day at my friend, joanna's house. it was my home away from home - she calls my mom "mom" and i call her mom "mom." it's just like that. well, joanna, me, and some other girl friends were hanging out at her place and (let's just go ahead and call him) derek shows up. bleach blonde hair. white teeth. football jersey. somewhat cool, right? and he wants me to go to his prom.

of course, i say yes...right!? but i didn't. i remember being really scared of this person whom i didn't know and who was suddenly paying me all of this attention i had never experienced before. and so i said no. i'm sure i was really wishy washy about it, but basically, i said no. and he came over to joanna's house to try to convince me. i can picture us out in the street talking. i have no idea what sort of explanation i gave...but i know what i was feeling was a new kind of fear. so i didn't go. but i remember this song playing throughout our extremely short courtship and in the time after i disappointed him by refusing to go to his prom. and i remember thinking that the song was somehow very grown up. first off, it was off of an album called blood, sugar, sex, magik which was blatantly all sorts of subject matter that i hadn't experienced first-hand. but also, it was a was about really being alone and using drugs.

now that i think about it, i probably used some vague excuse about my other boyfriend...my junior year was all about finally being noticed by boys - even if they were all from other schools. and it was this next summer where i spent one of my loneliest times. i learned a ton about myself that next summer, and it had to do with being alone, falling in love, losing friends, and starting to worry about a whole host of new problems...growing up...

but that's a story for when i hear some elton john. sigh. i know that's going to be a rough entry.

2011-02-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

i've listened to a lot of music. i've played a lot of music. i've read about it, studied it, and generally let it define most of my life. of course, i know this about myself, but it struck me one day as i was driving home...my life sort of had a soundtrack. i didn't realize it at the time, but now, when i hear certain songs, i get super intense, incredibly vivid memories. i can picture people and tell you just enough for the story to feel real again. often the details are gone, but there is something about it that puts me right back where i was for the 3 and a half minutes of the song. if ever i were going to write an autobiography, i would only be able to do it by listening to music and piecing it all together. so that's what i'm going to do. every night, as i drive home, i'm going to listen to the radio. when i hear songs that transport me back, i'll write about the song and what was going on. maybe this will be interesting...maybe not.

book?

2011-02-14T17:46:00.001-08:00

the other day, i had an idea for a book. i think it might actually be a good one...at least for those who, like me, have always had music as a part of their lives. i think i'll start by doing a few blog posts to set it up and write a few 'entries.' we'll see if this comes together...

fascination

2008-11-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

i spent a little time reading blogs today. it's funny (still!) to me that people are so successful with blogs, but i kind of get it too. my problem is focus. i have so many things to write about and so little time, i can't get anywhere! story of my life!

change

2008-03-13T11:22:00.000-07:00

change is good, no? it's just painful as we go through it...or more accurately extremely painful as we anticipate it. new home, new jobs, new volunteering, new office, new building, new crafts, new coworkers, new boss...all in the space of two weeks. however, being in the middle of those two weeks, it strikes me that the actual change (even if there is "fall out" and "adjustment" to it still occurring) is the worst part. and it seemed like it was going to be even worse than it ended up before it happened. so i'm in that anticipation phase right now...for the new job.

i'm mostly worried about taking over an existing team - one that already knows the job (where i'm new). what do i do? say? how do i come in and be the best leader i can, even while i'm learning? listen. listen. listen. remember to be a person and empathize. have faith. be positive. and breathe.

that's all i can think of.

Monday, on 1 hour less sleep!

2008-03-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's not so bad, but I'm tired! I know I shouldn't complain.

That said, it was a full weekend - packing, moving, unpacking...and more unpacking...and starting boxes and bags of things to give away. (I'm looking for good ideas of where the items should go. Ideally, they pick up. Most important, it has to be a great cause with little overhead so that nearly all of the benefit goes to the people in need!)

Speaking of donations, I just committed to planning a fund raising activity this summer for a great cause. It's called Scrapping 4 Inclusion, which is a specific, scrapbooking-focused fund raising group for the Bubel/Aiken Foundation, which "serves to bridge the gap that exists between young people with special needs and the world around them. We support communities with inclusive programs and together create awareness of the possibilities that inclusion can bring." Great organization, wonderful people (at least the leader for Scrapping 4 Inclusion is wonderful! Check out her blog here.), etc. And it's well past time to do something bigger than write a small check to my favorite charities. I'm going to put in time - the most precious resource!

It's going to be great fun! One of my best friends, Mary, is going to help me plan the event, which will be a nighttime crop on July 3 (mark your calendars if you are in the Seattle area!). She'll be visiting from California, and she's graciously agreed to help raise money, run the event, and do a lot of calling, emailing, and mailing until she's here.

It's sort of overwhelming, especially because the first thirty places I looked into for space during the event were outrageously expensive and had very limiting rules for what "non-profit" means. (We will need to charge a crop fee to cover the expenses and will require each participant to raise a minimum donation to the foundation.) I made a call this morning that resurrected my hopes, though, so I'm back on-track! I don't think I've found the perfect solution yet, but I at least feel like I will be able to have a relatively small event that won't cost over $50/person!

I have this sneaking suspicion that this blog will become the tales of charitable event planning for the next few months. In the meantime, if anyone is actually reading this and has ideas, let me know!

new march resolution

2008-03-03T09:51:00.001-08:00

i signed up for a weight loss/tone up/eat better challenge today. this was after stepping on the scale this morning and realizing that i'm again at my all-time high. (this weekend, i donated a size 2 skirt. i wore this skirt only 2 years ago! i realize i am nowhere near obese, but size 2!!? it looked like it was made for a doll. amazing. i hate getting old!)

also, one of my best friends invited me to join her in the 2008 self challenge. it's not completely intuitive, but so far what i know is that i want to look like the women on the site in a bathing suit again. i entered in what i ate for breakfast this morning. not so bad so far. it's likely that just having to enter this all in through the annoying website will make me eat less.

but it's making me think of all of the "easier" ways i could lose weight. i know that i would never do any of these things, but it truly has gotten ridiculous out there. take alli for example. just read the reviews on this product! while really, really funny, they also indicate that it's possible that we have all gotten so lazy and impatient that we are willing to risk needing a new pair of pants like we used to when we were 2 years old. zoinks!

i guess it just comes down to getting myself to the gym. i don't know what it is. i used to work out. i even sort of liked it. now, the thought fills me with dread. and it's not because i don't want to be seen there or i think i'm hideous or something. i just don't want to go. it's a pain. i'm tired. i'm hungry.

i also know that i'm in such a better situation than so many people, because i have the choice. i'm healthy, and i could take control and make a change. it's perhaps also partially this fact that keeps me from doing so. maybe i need to start watching oprah or something. but i'm tired. and hungry.

at least i didn't wait until the next february 29 to blog again.

ribbitt

2008-02-29T11:22:00.000-08:00

perhaps i should resolve myself to the fact i will likely only write on february 29ths. i might be able to keep that resolution...given that i haven't written since october. once every four years is slightly less ambitious than my current pace.

ah, well. i was just enjoying the fact that it is leap year and sunny. edith piaf is playing on my computer. i'm having the overwhelming urge to drink red wine. life actually seems really great, even though it's a work day. it's possibly due to the fact that i have to move over the weekend, and moving is the most traumatic, stressful event i've encountered. (i somehow can deal with the non-optional traumas much more than the ones i inflict on myself, like moving.)

looking forward to the other parts of the weekend - and the point when the moving is done!

i'm still so intrigued by blogs. i read some, but in general, i'm still pretty confused about the whole thing. there are businesses and stars (diablo) made from blogs, tv/internet shows made about them, and a bunch of reality tv, which is essentially producers' version of a visible blog. yet, i am not hooked (though i loved juno!) and i don't completely understand why i'm writing. on one hand, i don't have any desire for random people to know me. on the other, there's a need to write anyway.

this leaves a completely uninteresting waste of bits and bytes. but they're mine. maybe that's why. hmmm...

ribbitt...

Dear Diary

2007-10-31T09:03:00.000-07:00

On and off, throughout my life, I have always had some sort of diary or journal. And although I wanted to be a faithful writer, my diary/journal has always become a patchwork of writings from very inconsistent periods. Even when I wanted to write, I often found I had nothing "worthy" to say. This blog is clearly the same deal...just electronic.

hello world

2007-10-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

seinfeld worked as a show about nothing...and generally, blogs seem to be about nothing as well. so i'm joining in on the fun. woo hoo!

rien - what that means is "nothing" in french. it's what i retained from 8 years of study. go me!

it's fall, it's raining, and everyone is sick...most importantly me. and i'm starting to get impatient with the stuffy nose, constant need to clear my throat, and sinus pressure. the power even went off last night for a couple of hours! what am i to do without power in this condition!?

the good news is that i lived through it. and now i'm blogging. see? i really have nothing to say.